Roamer

It seems I roam
until I gaze long enough 
to look 
and lay 
in beds 
but nevertheless
those moments end.

It seems
I come and go
in search of a home I know exists
though I couldn’t describe it
if you asked me to
I’d tell you 
that I’m alone 
by choice
by craft
I’m sure you were told
I am an artist
a piece of art with an itch
with a knack for words
and a niche that hurts
I’m sure you’ve heard
the simmer, 
the cooking in your ears
these words burn
I’m sure you’ve learned
I am an artist
a piece of art with an itch
an arsonist
a wordsmith
with third degree burns
I missed the mark
while loading my pen
soaked my tongue in flames
until fire learned the contours of my chest
failing to notice
they wanted smoke but forgot
to open the vents.

Death was
inevitable
it was an accident
concrete-grown, 
I was raised among savages
like a bastard with no balance
I don’t always mind my thoughts — like Anakin — 
but who died and made y’all my master?
I ain’t no mannequin.

I don’t just wear my silence for show.

Come too close without the code and
I just might humble ya arrogance
I know
the way I control my anger (or don’t)
looks blasphemous but only after
the massacre.

I don’t wear mercy well it seems
I leave
bodies for the coroner
it seems I roam 
like mood swings
and bad dreams 
and green leaves
and hit beats
and covenants with conditions
I come and go
like a foreigner to every home
owned by Loneliness
I stay long enough 
to make it hurt the most when I leave
it seems I treat souls like things
it seems I am a false king
maybe even a false nomad
maybe I’ve been home the entire time
making my bed in this flesh
making things I think can fill the hole so
why they never last
I don’t know.

Goldilocks taught me to sleep 
in the bed that feels 
just right for me
appropriate 
for my size
and normal for my life
compatible with my strife
my signature.

Maybe my shalom
maybe my peace 
does not look like a wife and kids
maybe my peace is the silent road
maybe my destiny just is what it is
maybe it is what it seems and it seems
I roam.

but looks can be deceiving.

9.30.19

Cover Photo by Julian Schultz on Unsplash