#PoemADay No.8: Twisted Dreams

will He do it. will He do it.
they say He loves me. they say
He can do all things.
they say patience is key,
endurance breeds character,
but I been carrying this dream for a minute,
jumping at every sound of rustling leaves,
hoping some fruits will fall from the tree,
terrified if a fruit fall from the tree
‘cause I'm not ready--

I'm double-minded.
triple-sided.
I'm soul, mind, and violent
‘cause I was raised in the silence
where pops used to be,
my iris glued to giants
until ambition for ambition's sake
became sire, 
left me wired to raise eyebrows and riots every time
I tried to explain
what imagination whispered to me
in the secret place.

I asked for wisdom, asked for guidance,
Proverbs 16 says He'll establish my plans--I mean, 
what would God get outta lying? 
I'm trying to believe.
I know triumph comes to the one with the sling, 
but what if this whole time I've been asking God
to make me Goliath?

will He do it. will He do it.

they say He loves me.
I'm scared it's true.
‘cause it means He'll shatter my dreams
just to give me the juice, the joy
of breathing without blood clots from forbidden fruits,
and the truth is
I'm afraid
that, tucked beneath my plea
for the tools and might to raise
an empire of light in the name
of Adonai,
is just a base
need
to be an emperor.